Quotes

Captain Carter "I'm an Air Force Officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle."

O'Neill "Oh, this has nothing to do with you being a woman. I like women. I've just got a little problem with scientists."

Teal'c "It is a significant part of your Western culture. Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill?"

O'Neill "Oh, yeah. Yeah. Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends."

O'Neill "It's true Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago."

Shifu: "If the instrument is broken, the music will be sour."
Daniel: "The music does not play the musician."
Shifu: "Normally, there is truth in that."
Daniel: "Really? Good, 'cause I really didn't have any idea what I was talking about then.
Absolute Power - Season Four.

O'Neill "Woo-hoo! Sorry sir, I couldn't help but get caught up in Teal'c's enthusiasm!"

Gen. Vidrine: "General Hammond has told me nothing but good things."
Col. O'Neill: "Has he sir? Well then I'm sure he's left something out."
Gen. Vidrine: "Such as?!
Col. O'Neill: <pause> "Teal'c, you there buddy?"

Tangent - Season Four:

Vidrine: "Colonel."
O'Neill: "General."
Vidrine: "Major."
Carter: "General."
Vidrine: "Doctor."
Daniel: "General."
Tangent - Season Four:

O'Neill: "We didn't spring a leak, although I may have just taken one."
Tangent - Season Four:

Tangent - Season Four:

O'Neill: "The fact is, if it wasn't for SG1, right now you'd be sitting there with a snake in your head, instead of your head up your ass."

Chain Reaction - Season Four:

Kinsey: "Dear, Starsky and Hutch is an old television show."
Mrs Kinsey (to Jack and Mayborne): "So you're actors then?"

Chain Reaction - Season Four:

Waiter: "Will there be anything else?"
Daniel: "Apparently not."

2010 - Season Four.

Sgt. Davies: "And you're not supposed to have that remote either."
Daniel: "Oh, that's good because, er, actually we don't want that one. We want the real one."

O'Neill: "If you tell him, there will be no going back."
Daniel: "Of course, if you don't tell him, there'll be no going back."
2010 - Season Four.

Shifu: "A spark lights a flame but the candle will only burn as long as the wick."
O'Neill: "If I may, sir, I think what he means is, the wick is the centre of the candle, and ostensively a great leader, like yourself, is essential to the whole ball of wax. Basically
what it means is that it's always better to have a big, long wick. Right?"
Daniel: "Don't look at me."
O'Neill: "It's right though, right?"

Absolute Power - Season Four.

Daniel: "I don't know about the rest of you, but I've had enough of that guy."
Absolute Power - Season Four.

O'Neill: "Next time I want to help someone, feel free to give me a swift kick."
O'Neill: Major, next time Daniel wants to help someone, shoot him"

O'Neill: "Hey, you guys are just being too negative !"
Jacob: "We're not going to make it!" Jack smacks him on the arm.
Then Jacob takes control of the ship. They're saved from the explosion.

O'Neill: "Excuse me ! I distinctly remember someone saying 'we're not gonna make it'.
I think we made it."
Jacob: "I'm sorry, I overreacted. At the time, it looked very much like we
weren't going to make it."
O'Neill: "Yes, well, maybe next time you'll just wait and see."
Jacob: "And blow the last chance I might ever have at being right?"

O'Neill: "Then I suppose now is the time for me to say something
profound.... Nothing comes to mind. Let's do it

O'Neill (speaking of Mayborne): "General Hammond, request permission to beat
the crap out of this man."

Mayborne: "Striking an officer is a quick way to a court martial."
O'Neill: "Oh, I'm not going to strike you, Mayborne. I'm going to shoot
you."

O'Neill: "Ooh. Alright. I'll be honest with you, Bob. My name's not Kirk.
It's Skywalker. Luke Skywalker."

Makepeace: "How's the leg? Can you walk?"
Daniel (sarcastically): "Oh, it's just a deep, bleeding gash but it'll be
fine."

Seth: "Welcome. Who are you?"
O'Neill: "Well I'm Larry, this is Moe and of course, everybody's favorite,
Curly."

Aris Boch: "Well, ah, Teal'c is worth the most. The system lords would love
to make a good example of him, and Carter here, well, she has the memories
of the Tok'ra Jolinar. And you, O'Neill, you're considered, well, you're a
pain in the mikta."
O'Neill: "Neck?"
Teal'c: "No."

Aris Boch: "Oh, ah, Dr. Jackson, I was lying to you before. The price on
your head is much more than a day's ration. Actually, the Goa'uld want to
see you dead as much as anyone for figuring out the Stargate."
Daniel: "Thank you. That...doesn't make me feel any better."

O'Neill: "Give it a week. You'll miss me."
Daniel: "Yes, I'll miss all the salty, bad-tempered insults, all the
illogical arguments...."
O'Neill: "Okay, you'll miss Carter and Teal'c."

O'Neill: "How did Jolinar get out?"
Martouf: "She never said."
Daniel: "And no one ever asked her how she escaped from an inescapable
prison?"

Daniel: "Your mate Amonet is dead. Sorry to ruin your day. No, actually,
I'm...I'm wrong about that. I'm not sorry."

Carter: "Mayborne, you are an *idiot* every day of the week, why couldn't
you have taken just one day off?!"

Waitress: "What can I get you?"
O'Neill: "Um, three of the biggest steaks you've got, rare, with everything.
Baked potato."
Waitress: "You got it." (turns to leave)
O'Neill: "Excuse me. That was for me."
Daniel: "Yeah, I'm going to have three as well."
O'Neill: "Four?"
Daniel: "Four. Four is good."
Carter: "Me too, and french fries with mine. Oh, and a diet soda." (O'Neill
and Daniel give her a funny look) "I like the taste better." (waitress
leaves) "So has it occurred to anyone that we're defying a direct order?"
Daniel: "Well, it's not like we haven't defied orders before."
Carter: "Well, yeah, but that was to save Earth."
O'Neill: "Earth, steaks...there's a difference?"
Daniel: "We'll be back before anyone knows we're gone."

O'Neill (handing Hammond a piece of paper): "Excuse me, George?"
Hammond: "Colonel, what are you doing out of uniform?"
O'Neill (checking his watch): "Handing you my resignation."
Carter: "You're resigning? What for?"
O'Neill: "So I can do this." (Grabs Carter, kisses her, then dips her back
into an embrace, as she wraps her arms around him and Hammond looks on in
shock)

Daniel: "Let me ask you something. In all the time you were... looping, were
you ever tempted to... do something crazy? I mean, you could do anything
without worrying about consequences."
O'Neill: "You know, it's funny, you've asked me that before."
Daniel: "And?" (O'Neill stares at Carter. She smiles, then narrows her eyes
suspiciously.
O'Neill smiles and takes another bite of oatmeal)

Teal'c: "Trust in me, O'Neill."
O'Neill: "What if I'm not O'Neill?
Teal'c: Then I was not talking to you."

Daniel (taking out his radio): "This...this is, uh, nothing that you need to
be worried about. This is a radio. It's so my friends can find me and shoot
you."

O'Neill (inside the ship): "Should we really be opening drawers and things?
(Daniel opens a drawer) What did I just say?"

Carter: "Does anyone know what this meeting's all about?"
Daniel: "No, but I hope it's important. I was right in the middle of
translating the cuneiform tablet we found on P3O-255."
Carter: "I still have to finish recalibrating the MALP 3-K sensors for
long-term reconnaissance on P5X-3D7."
Teal'c: "I was unable to complete my Kel'no'Reem."
O'Neill: "I was just about to do something important."

Carter: "Cadet, I'd like to ask you a few questions. Answer honestly."
Haley: "Yes, ma'am."
Carter: "Who the hell do you think you are?"

O'Neill: "I have great confidence in you, Carter. Go on back to the SGC and
confuse Hammond."

Carter: "Sir, we've got a problem."
O'Neill: "We've got a lot of problems, Carter. Can you be a little more
specific?"

Ambassador: "They made a star? How?"
Carter: "Well, theoretically, by increasing the density of a sufficiently
massive gas giant until a thermonuclear reaction could take place. In fact,
Arthur C. Clarke posited "
O'Neill: "Ambassador, you gotta be careful about the use of the word how',
unless you really wanna know."

Carter: "Sir, are you okay?"
O'Neill: "I've been shot, Carter."
Carter: "Sir, are you ok?"
O'Neill: "Oh, couple stitches, concussion, nausea, dizziness, the usual."

O'Neill: "Its always suicide mission this, save the planet that...no one
ever stops by to just say hi anymore."

Sam: "That's good news dad, you can sit around for hours cracking yourself up!"

The Tok'ra Part 2

Daniel: "What, did she start a fight with you like Johnson did with Teal'c?"
O'Neill: "No, she, uh, tried to seduce me."
Daniel: "Oh. You.....poor man."

O'Neill: "Luccccccyyy! I'm home!"
Teal'c: "I am not Lucy."
Teal'c: "I cannot be certain you are back to being yourself. You referred to me as 'Lucy.'"
O'Neill: "Oh, for crying out loud, will you just open the door?"
The Broca Divide (Season 1)

Teal'c: "The Goa'uld visit here regularly. It is one of their favorite places to harvest hosts for Goa'uld absorption."
Daniel: "You know, I wish you wouldn't say 'harvest.' We're talking about human beings not... brussel sprouts."
Cor'ai

Teal'c: "I still do not understand this black hole."
O'Neill: "Well, a black hole is this really big thing. It's, um, well, basically it's a mass of...hole...out there."
Teal'c: "I see"
Singularity

Russian Scientists: If your suggesting that everything Russian made is of
poor quality,this is Swiss.
Daniel: So, it will catch on fire but it'll keep perfect time?
Russian gives him a dirty look

Daniel: Here in the sense that my consciousness is here if not any full physical flesh and blood sense which is neither here nor there... the point is... you're not imagining this.

Daniel: Yes you did, that's because I have ascended to another plane of existence... remember Oma Desal, the whole glowing thing, I couldn't have done it without you..... I'm energy now.

Jonas: So where are we going?

Jonas (looking at the weather channel): Ooh, clear skies, 73 degrees.

Sam: There are at least 500 other channels ya know.

Jonas: Hey major. How do I know what color to wear?

Sam: We call each other every morning.

Redemption Part 1- Season 6

Daniel: We're actually having a bet on the launch
O'Neil: Hey I'll take some of that
Daniel: Put Colonel O'Neil down for a hundred.
O'Neil: Dollars right?
Absolute Power- Season Four

Jack: "Well, this just became a piece of cake, a walk in the park, a day at the beach".
Daniel: "An accident waiting for a place to happen".
Jack: "Mr Negative!"
Pretense - Season Three

N.I.D Agent: So tell me again.
Daniel: Do i have to draw you a diagram? They led us straight to you.
N.I.D Agent: Who, The aliens?
Daniel: Yes the aliens! Please Mr Man in Black don't pretend you don't know anything about the aliens!
Wormhole extreme, season five

Russian: "Did you hear that?"
Daniel: "What?"
Russian: "Wait here".
Daniel: "Yes............you go down the dark hallway alone, and I'll wait here in the dark room alone".
The Tomb - Season Five

Coombes: Oh come on, we might as well be wearing red shirts!
Felger: I don't get that.
O'Neill: Oh look everyone, he bought Coombes with him!

The Other Guys - Season Six

O'Neill: Hey Daniel. How ya doin'? Long time. How are things on the higher plane?
Daniel: (turning to the wall, and turning back again, as if restarting the conversation) Hey Jack. Long time no see, how you doin'?
O'Neill: Fine, just fine.
Daniel: The knees? The back? Everything's okay?
O'Neill: Oh, ya know, kinda weather contingent actually
Daniel: Right right right. So, anyway, what's new?
O'Neill: Erm, actually a funny thing happened to me today. Erm I'm riding an elevator, and an old friend, someone who never calls, never writes, just shows up and tells me all about this very important and apparently urgent mission that needs my attention.
Daniel: Are you gonna help or - or
O'Neill: No wait, wait, let me tell it, this is good. Ya see this buddy of mine, this pal, this chum, has ascended to a whole new level of existence (Daniel points upwards and nods). Do you see the irony? He's asking for MY help, and he's this great and powerful being.

Hammond: Colonel, how'd you come by this intel?
O'Neill: I didn't tell you?
Hammond: No, you didn't.
O'Neill: Erm ? (looking uncomfortable, and around the room) Daniel ? told me.
Jonas: You've spoken to Dr Jackson?
O'Neill: Actually it's not the first time.
Carter: Well ? is he alright?
Hammond: What else did he say?
O'Neill: Whoa, wait, you don't think I'm nuts or anything like that?

Skaara: Will you be coming to my wedding alone?
O'Neill: Er (Carter walks up next to them)... I assume Carter's invited too.
Skaara: Of course. Will you be coming together?
O'Neill: As in ...
Carter: ... friends, going to a wedding.
O'Neill: Ah, yes ... sure! ... Jonas! (walks off, Carter smiles at Skaara)

O'Neill: Hey
Daniel: Hey
O'Neill: How ya doing?
Daniel: Good, did ya get your hair cut?
O'Neill: Yeah, why?
Daniel: No reason.
O'Neill: Can i see your scar?
Daniel: .....No
O'Neill: Fraiser says it will be about a week before you get out of here.
Daniel: Y'know its funny, i mean after everything we've been through its my appendix that legs me out.Its not gonna be a week, i practically feel fine now.
O'Neill: Wanna go fishing?
Daniel: .......Actually, i (Struggles to sit up and lays back down) Maybe, no, y'know i will stay here for two or three days

Thor: The Asgard have tried to stop them. You have demonstrated their weakness through a less sophistcated approach, we are no longer capable.
Daniel: Wait a minute, what your saying is you need someone dumber than you are?
O'Neill: You may have come to the right place.

O'Neill: and I just kinda lost my temper.
Hammond: what do you mean?
Daniel: Lets just say Jack made a reference to Frere's mother.

O'Neill: soups on.
Carter: Just a few minutes sir, I've nearly finished
O'Neill: Come on now you don't want it to get cold.
Carter: I didn't know you could cook sir.
O'Neill: I can't but my melted ice is to die for

Man: Can I help you?
Daniel: Yeah I need to see a doctor I think I just electrocuted myself.
Man: You will have to go somewhere else sir.
Daniel: I Have insurance.
Man: This hospital is closed.
Daniel: I said I just electrocuted myself have you any idea what that feels like?
Man: No
Daniel: (Daniel shoots him with a zat gun) a little like that.

Fraiser: Now after Major Carter, You Daniel and Teal'c are next.
Daniel and Jack: What? We are fine.
Fraiser: I would like to be the judge of that. Some sort of energy came through the gate and I would like to get you checked ASAP. (She walks away)
O'Neill: Who put her in charge?
Hammond: The United States Air Force.(Hammond walks away)
Teal'c: In medical matters Dr. Fraiser may over rule those of any rank (Teal'c walks away)
O'Neill To Daniel: I'm not getting any of my memo's
Daniel gives him a funny look and walks away